I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
