you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Someone signed my nipple.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
