nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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