I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
