My friends, they love my intelligence
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
