I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
A bitchslap is in order.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
