4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
