Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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