i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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