I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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