i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
