I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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