Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
