My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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