Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
