so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
