I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
