someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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