You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
