the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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