The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
