my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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