You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
