So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Shame - the story of my life.
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