if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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