Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
