trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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