Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
