Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
