why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
