He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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