Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
