When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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