never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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