I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
