I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
