maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
