I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
