yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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