Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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