He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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