I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
