I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize