were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
