He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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