Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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