Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
