If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
