I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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