i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
