My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
