the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
