you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
