The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He shit in the fireplace
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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