There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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